Grant Muller

How to eat whatever the hell you want

…And still lose weight. If I ever decide to write something just to make money, this is going to be the title. Diet books sell, right? I expect I can get a book with a title like this into the hands of at least 500,000 unsuspecting fad-dieters. Here’s the outline:

  • Chapter 1: The food
  • Chapter 2: The training
  • Epilogue?

I’m banking on the theory that most dieters won’t read past the first sentence, so when they see “Eat pizza, drink beer, be merry. The rippling sinews in your mid-section will thank you” they’ll sprint to the checkout. Which is good. They don’t know it yet, but they’re going to be doing a lot more sprinting, better that they start immediately.

In reality I could never write this book. My knowledge of nutrition comes mainly from the crap I read on the web, none of which I believe anyway. The first chapter would literally be a paragraph, which I can sum up with the phrase “If you’re not allergic to it, eat it”. That ought to fill up one page. Now what about the remaining hundred or so…oh right, did I mention the HORRIBLE AGONIZING TRAINING? Oh yes, I think I did. It goes a little something like this:

  • Sunday: 8-12 mile run. If you have to build up to this, no worries…
  • Monday: 2500-3000 meter swim. Severe weight training…think 300 workout
  • Tuesday: 3-5 mile run (you can run faster than that).
  • Wednesday: Play your drums for 2.5 hours. No drums? Fine…take a day off…pansy.
  • Thursday: 4 mile track workout in the morning (told you you could run faster) 2000-2500 Meter swim. Sigh…weights again.
  • Friday: Short Ride, maybe 1 hour or 20 miles, whichever comes first
  • Saturday: Swim 2400 meters straight. Don’t stop. Lift some weights if you can bring yourself to do so. Brick workout (2 hr+ ride followed by an immediate 35 min run)

I didn’t say this was particularly healthy way to lose weight. But if thats the sort of thing you’re into (losing tons of weight), this works really well for most of us. There it is, book completed. I guess its more of a pamphlet, or rather, a silly blog post.

Seriously though, If you’re into the whole losing weight thing, the only trick I know of is to eat less than you’re going to burn off in a day. You can either decrease the number of calories you take in, or increase the number you burn. Being a glutton, and not willing to give up pizza and beer to stay slim, I take the masochistic route and really kick my own ass.

If you can’t bring yourself to exercise, maybe you need to rephrase things. You’re not exercising…you’re training. For what? Doesn’t matter, maybe nothing. Then again maybe you get stuck on a desert island and the mainland shore is exactly 2.5 miles away…you can swim that. You’ve been training. Your dune buggy broke down 26.2 miles from any sign of life in the desert? I guess you’ll have to run back for help. Eh, its just a marathon. And while you’re running for help you can figure out how you made it 26 miles anywhere in a dune buggy.

Grant Muller


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